100 Funny Quotes That’ll Make You Laugh, Snort, and Share Instantly
- The Finest List Maker
- Apr 17
- 6 min read
Laughter is timeless, free, and incredibly good for you. Whether you're looking to brighten someone's day, find the perfect witty caption, or just need a good chuckle, funny quotes are the perfect pick-me-up.
This collection of 100 funny quotes brings together clever one-liners, laugh-out-loud truths, and delightful absurdities from comedians, writers, movies, and everyday life. No matter your sense of humor, there's something here to tickle your funny bone.
Best 100 Funny Quotes
1. Famous Funny Quotes
These legendary quotes have stood the test of time—witty, wise, and still hilarious.
“I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.” — Groucho Marx
“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” — Jim Carrey
“I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.” — Unknown
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.” — Dalai Lama
“The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.” — Will Rogers
“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.” — Mitch Hedberg
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.” — Mark Twain
“I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure.” — Unknown
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” — Robin Williams
“If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.” — Steven Wright
2. Short Funny Quotes
One-liners that hit hard and fast. Use them in bios, texts, or to make your friends laugh.
“Brains are awesome. I wish everybody had one.”
“Eat. Sleep. Scroll. Repeat.”
“My bed and I love each other. We’re perfect for each other, but my alarm clock doesn’t approve.”
“Be a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and stay away from weird people.”
“Why fall in love when you can fall into a pizza?”
“Exercise? I thought you said extra fries.”
“I came. I saw. I made it awkward.”
“Introverts unite... separately, in your own homes.
“Born to be mild.”
“99% caffeine, 1% adulting.”
3. Funny Life Quotes
Because life is ridiculous—and we might as well laugh about it.
“Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.”
“The older I get, the more I understand why roosters just scream to start their day.”
“Life doesn’t have any hands, but it can sure give you a slap sometimes.”
“Some days I amaze myself. Other days I put my keys in the fridge.”
“I’m at that awkward age—too old to stay out late, too young to stay in.”
“Don’t worry if plan A doesn’t work out. There are 25 more letters in the alphabet.”
“I finally realized people are prisoners of their phones… that’s why it’s called a ‘cell’ phone.”
“Don’t take life too seriously. You’ll never get out of it alive.” — Elbert Hubbard
“If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.”
“I’m not lazy. I’m just on energy-saving mode.”
4. Funny Love Quotes
Love is sweet, but it’s also deeply weird. Here’s the proof.
“Love is sharing your popcorn.” — Charles Schultz
“I love you more than coffee. But please don’t make me prove it.”
“If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it means no one else liked them either.”
“You had me at ‘let’s get tacos.’”
“Marriage is like a walk in the park… Jurassic Park.”
“You’re the peanut butter to my jelly—and the jelly to my hangry.”
“I want someone who looks at me the way I look at dessert.”
“Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.”
“We go together like copy and paste.”
“You're the reason I smile—and also why I need therapy.”
5. Funny Friendship Quotes
True friends are the ones who laugh at your worst jokes—and laugh even harder when you trip.
“Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.”
“We’ll be the old ladies causing trouble in the nursing home.”
“You and I are more than friends—we’re a really small gang.”
“A good friend will bail you out of jail. A best friend will be sitting next to you saying, ‘Dang, that was fun!’”
“We go together like drunk and disorderly.”
“Friends don’t let friends do silly things… alone.”
“You’re weird. I like that.”
“I was an innocent being… then I met you.”
“Real friends don’t judge each other. They judge other people—together.”
“You’re basically my unpaid therapist with snacks.”
6. Funny Work Quotes
Because sometimes work is just one long email with snacks in between.
“I always give 100% at work: 13% Monday, 22% Tuesday, 26% Wednesday…”
“I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.”
“If you think your job is pointless, remember someone is in charge of updating the ‘years since last alien encounter’ sign at Area 51.”
“My boss told me to have a good day… so I went home.”
“Nothing ruins a Friday like realizing it’s only Tuesday.”
“I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.”
“Some people graduate with honors, I am just honored to graduate from this job.”
“Meetings: where minutes are kept and hours are lost.”
“I love deadlines. I love the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.” — Douglas Adams
“I put the ‘pro’ in procrastinate.”
7. Funny Quotes About Getting Older
Aging is inevitable. Looking at it with humor? Optional—but highly recommended.
“You know you’re getting old when your candles cost more than your cake.” — Bob Hope
“Age is just a number. In my case, a really big one.”
“I’m not old. I’m just… well seasoned.”
“Turning 30? Just 20 with 10 years of experience.”
“I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.”
“Middle age: when your age starts to show around your middle.” — Bob Hope
“At my age, I’ve seen it all, done it all, heard it all. I just can’t remember it all.”
“Welcome to adulthood: you get excited about a new sponge.”
Birthdays are nature’s way of telling us to eat more cake.”
“Gray hair is just wisdom in disguise.”
8. Funny Quotes from Movies & TV
The screen has gifted us with comedy gold. Here are some of the best.
“I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.” — Michael Scott, The Office
“Just keep swimming.” — Dory, Finding Nemo
“I’m not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?” — Chandler, Friends
“I love inside jokes. I hope to be a part of one someday.” — Michael Scott
“I’m not a smart man, but I know what love is.” — Forrest Gump
“Why is the rum always gone?” — Jack Sparrow, Pirates of the Caribbean
“It’s a moo point. You know, like a cow’s opinion. It doesn’t matter.” — Joey, Friends
“I don’t have to outrun the bear. I just have to outrun you.” — The Office
“I speak fluent sarcasm.” — Gilmore Girls
“Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.” — Despicable Me
9. Funny Quotes from Comedians
These quotes from legendary comedians bring the wit, the sarcasm, and the truth.
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” — Steve Martin
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.” — Les Dawson
“My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.” — Caroline Rhea
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?” — George Carlin
“You can’t fix stupid.” — Ron White
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” — Phyllis Diller
“I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.” — Rodney Dangerfield
“Never follow someone else’s path… unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost.” — Ellen DeGeneres
“If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.” — George Carlin
“There’s no ‘we’ in fries.” — Mitch Hedberg
10. Sarcastic & Sassy Funny Quotes
These bring the spice. Perfect for Instagram captions and comebacks.
“Tell me how I have upset you, because I want to do it again.”
“Oh, I’m sorry. Did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?”
“I’m not bossy. I just know what you should be doing.”
“I’m not arguing. I’m just explaining why I’m right.”
“Cancel my subscription—I’m done with your issues.”
“I’m not always sarcastic. Sometimes I’m asleep.”
“Mirror: you look amazing. Camera: LOL, no.”
“Don’t mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.”
“If I had a dollar for every smart thing you said, I’d be broke.”
“I don’t rise and shine. I caffeinate and hope for the best.”
11. How to Use Funny Quotes in Your Life
Need ideas? Here's where your humor can shine:
Social media captions
Speech openers
Birthday cards
Workplace Slack messages
Wall prints or DIY gifts
T-shirts, mugs, stickers
Texts to make a friend laugh
12. Frequently Asked Questions
1. Are funny quotes appropriate for professional use?
Yes—when used thoughtfully! Stick with light-hearted humor and avoid anything sarcastic or edgy in formal settings.
2. What makes a quote funny?
Surprise, truth, exaggeration, or clever wordplay. Bonus points for a little sass or awkward relatability.
3. Can I use funny quotes in speeches or presentations?
Absolutely! Funny quotes are perfect for breaking the ice and creating connection with your audience.
